CONVERSATION SCRIPTS / USE YOUR OWN WORDS
What to say when…
Short starting points for the talks parents dread. Read them before you need them, then say it your way.
Before anything happens: the help-first promise
Say it early and say it often, long before there’s a problem.
TRY SAYING
- “If something online ever feels scary, mean, sexual, or just wrong, come to me. You won’t be in trouble for telling me.”
- “Even if you broke a rule to get there, I still want to know. We’ll deal with the problem first and talk about the rule later.”
- “If you can’t come to me, tell another adult you trust. I won’t be upset that you went to them first.”
SKIP
- Making the promise, then taking the phone the first time they use it.
- Saying it once, as a lecture, and never again.
Something happened online
Your child comes to you upset, or you find out something went wrong.
TRY SAYING
- “Thank you for telling me. You’re not in trouble.”
- “Can you show me? Let’s save screenshots before we block or delete anything.”
- “What would help most right now?”
SKIP
- Grabbing the phone before you know what happened.
- Opening with “Why would you do that?”
Someone is threatening them with an image
Your child is being pressured or blackmailed over a photo or video.
TRY SAYING
- “This is not your fault. The person threatening you is the one doing something wrong.”
- “Don’t pay and don’t send anything else. We’re going to report this together.”
- “You’re not in trouble. I’m glad you told me.”
SKIP
- Asking why they sent it.
- Deleting the chat before the threats and usernames are saved.
They saw porn
Your child saw something explicit, on purpose or by accident.
TRY SAYING
- “Thanks for telling me. You’re not in trouble.”
- “What did you see, and how did it make you feel?”
- “A lot of that isn’t real, and it isn’t how real relationships work. You can always ask me questions, even awkward ones.”
SKIP
- Shock, shaming, or punishment in the moment.
- Pretending it didn’t happen.
They want social media
“Everyone else has it.”
TRY SAYING
- “Tell me what you’d use it for, and who you’d talk to.”
- “Here’s what worries me. Here’s what would help me say yes later.”
- “If we try it, we set it up together first, and we check in after a few weeks.”
SKIP
- An instant yes or no before you understand why they want it.
- Debating what every other family allows.
The first phone talk
The day the phone, watch, or tablet arrives.
TRY SAYING
- “This is for calling home and getting to practice. Here’s what’s included for now, and we’ll add more as you’re ready.”
- “Phones sleep in the kitchen at night. Mine too.”
- “If something goes wrong, the first move is telling me. You won’t lose the phone for telling me.”
SKIP
- Handing over a phone, social media, and unlimited apps all on the same day.
Pushback on screen time
“Just five more minutes” for the fifth time.
TRY SAYING
- “I hear you want more time. Let’s look at the whole week and decide together, not right now.”
- “The limit isn’t a punishment. It’s the plan we made, and we can change it at our next check-in.”
SKIP
- Renegotiating at bedtime.
- Changing the rules in the middle of an argument.
A friend is being bullied, or they were part of it
Your child saw a pile-on, or joined one.
TRY SAYING
- “What happened, and how is your friend doing?”
- “You don’t have to fix it alone. Let’s figure out who can help.”
- “If you were part of it, the next step is to stop and help make it right. We can figure that out together.”
SKIP
- Telling them to just ignore it.
- Posting about it yourself.
They spent money in a game
A surprise charge shows up on the card or in the app store.
TRY SAYING
- “Thanks for telling me. Let’s look at what was spent and see what we can undo.”
- “Let’s set up a spending limit together, so this doesn’t sneak up on either of us again.”
SKIP
- Deciding the consequences before you’ve asked for a refund and fixed the settings.
They seem down after scrolling
You notice they’re quieter, more critical of themselves, or sleeping badly.
TRY SAYING
- “I’ve noticed you seem down after being on your phone. What have you been seeing lately?”
- “Does any of it make you feel worse about yourself?”
- “We can reset your feed together, or take a break. That’s not a punishment.”
SKIP
- Comments about weight, bodies, or diets.
- Waiting for it to pass if you see signs of self-harm or an eating disorder. If someone may hurt themselves, call or text 988.
AI and schoolwork
They’re using a chatbot for homework, or you think they might be.
TRY SAYING
- “Show me how you’re using it. What does it help with?”
- “If your teacher says no AI, that’s the rule. If it’s allowed, say how it helped.”
- “If it gives you a fact, check it somewhere reliable before you use it.”
SKIP
- Banning it without looking at it together.
- Assuming it’s always cheating.
Planning ahead by age? See what to set up at each age →